-m-

where have i been? i get the feeling, through veils of gauzy memory, that i used to be so present. i used to be in every moment, trying my best to see all the sides of every second, looking for colors and flavors and places in time that no one else could see.

when i think about life now, in those moments i choose to contemplate, i feel like i'm living life like i have no connection to it, like i'm watching the stars from a window in an everyday room--a life like a vast sky that is, possibly, enormous and glorious and exciting, but far removed from me. even now i feel like this computer, my words, the hands that type, are so much farther from me than the ends of my arms.

i feel disconnected from myself. i used to think that it mattered, seeing yourself, or not. i feel like i've said all these before, and i'm saying it to the wrong people. some of you, obviously, see me. you see my words, at least, the truest part of who i am and used to be.

it isn't mom's sickness, though, that makes me invisible. it swept me up. it made decisions for me. it chose a path, set me on a raft in a river that took me on a wild freakin' ride. the trouble came when the river dried up and left me sitting on the sandbar that is supposed to look like my life, and stranded me in a place i didn't choose. if i sit here on this dusty ground, i'm safe and bored and missing out. missing out, but safe. if i choose to go looking for the life around the bend, who knows where i'll be if the river returns--secure on a distant shore or caught up and drowning?

all this contemplation.

all of it and none of it at all.